13 Ways Never to Describe People & Things in Fiction
If you missed the other night’s chat with the “usual suspects” in the diva chat room, you missed out big time. So, for your viewing pleasure, I’ll highlight a few of the things I remember here, along with some others I’ve heard along the way.
*Warning, these are true. I have actually seen or heard these descriptions over the years.
1) Never describe a woman’s ankles like turnips. I’m sorry, but TURNIPS? I still can’t get that out of my head. It’s right up there with…
2) Never describe a man’s balls as loose and aching. Loose balls make me think grandpa. *shudders*
3) Never describe a space ship like a cock. Yes, I have seen this done and my reaction was WTF, not oh, I’m hot.
4) Never use that stupid analogy about men having big feet to refer to the size of their cock.
5) Never refer to a persons hair like strands of yarn. I’m picturing Ragged Anne and Andy here.
6) Never overuse food analogies during a sex scene. I start thinking of things like a disturbing buffet and that’s never good.
7) Never describe bad-guy alien as having red eyes and like bright cherries. Sorry, cherries just don’t work here, keep those in the bedroom, or for the more conventional of you, the kitchen.
8 ) Never compare slime to jello. Just. Don’t.
9) Never describe your characters as having “doll” voices. I’m thinking Chucky and Holly Hobby here, neither of which leaves a good impression.
10) Never describe a condom as a second skin. I’m sure it can be done well, but I’m gagging at the thought right now.
11) Never describe eyes like pearls- unless you want me to think zombie white.
12) Never describe lips like hearts. I’m sorry, I’ve seen this done so many times I want to choke.
13) Never describe your characters animals in more detail than their lovers. It sort of makes me wonder who their taking to bed at night.
And those are all I can think of at the moment. Good thing too, since I have reached the end of my 13 don’t’s.
Happy Thursday everyone.