Thursday 13

13 Ways Never to Describe People & Things in Fiction

If you missed the other night’s chat with the “usual suspects” in the diva chat room, you missed out big time. So, for your viewing pleasure, I’ll highlight a few of the things I remember here, along with some others I’ve heard along the way.

*Warning, these are true. I have actually seen or heard these descriptions over the years.

1) Never describe a woman’s ankles like turnips. I’m sorry, but TURNIPS? I still can’t get that out of my head. It’s right up there with…

2) Never describe a man’s balls as loose and aching. Loose balls make me think grandpa. *shudders*

3) Never describe a space ship like a cock. Yes, I have seen this done and my reaction was WTF, not oh, I’m hot.

4) Never use that stupid analogy about men having big feet to refer to the size of their cock.

5) Never refer to a persons hair like strands of yarn. I’m picturing Ragged Anne and Andy here.

6) Never overuse food analogies during a sex scene. I start thinking of things like a disturbing buffet and that’s never good.

7) Never describe bad-guy alien as having red eyes and like bright cherries. Sorry, cherries just don’t work here, keep those in the bedroom, or for the more conventional of you, the kitchen.

8 ) Never compare slime to jello. Just. Don’t.

9) Never describe your characters as having “doll” voices. I’m thinking Chucky and Holly Hobby here, neither of which leaves a good impression.

10) Never describe a condom as a second skin. I’m sure it can be done well, but I’m gagging at the thought right now.

11) Never describe eyes like pearls- unless you want me to think zombie white.

12) Never describe lips like hearts. I’m sorry, I’ve seen this done so many times I want to choke.

13) Never describe your characters animals in more detail than their lovers. It sort of makes me wonder who their taking to bed at night.

And those are all I can think of at the moment. Good thing too, since I have reached the end of my 13 don’t’s.

Happy Thursday everyone.


Filed under Food for thought

20 responses to “Thursday 13

  1. I think #9 will keep me awake tonight. lol

  2. Good grief! The mind boggles 😉

  3. Consider me floored – hair like yarn? Seriously???

    Just… wow. *shudder*

    I guess we all need the reminders, sometimes, though. Thanks for that list!

    Ciao for now!
    Happy TT!

  4. What an excellent list of don’ts! 😀

  5. ACK! Turnips?? LOL Great list! Happy Thursday! 🙂

  6. Sadly I was there and this discussion was hysterical. And yet, you have no mention of the HARD HAT.

    • cmtorrens

      LOL, I forgot completely about the hard hat. I’ll have to add that to part two when I find another list of 13 WTF’s in writing.

  7. Glad to say I’ve never done any of those on your list. Can’t believe anyone has, either. These are fantastic!

  8. Sophia Parkwood

    I took notes and I promise to never, ever do any of these things. #13 made me laugh. I have read this before and thought WTF as well. I would really like to know about the hard hat so I will be on the look out for part 2. Happy Thursday!

  9. turnips. ugh.

    My least fave ever? In the midst of hot and heavy action, author describes heroine’s sex noises as being like “the cries of a tortured kitten.”

    DON’T. Seriously. OMFG.

    Great list. *makes notes*

  10. You have to wonder what the rest of those books are like.
    Fun list. Happy T13!

  11. LOL! #2 cracked me up. Grandpa indeed.

  12. Turnips? I just can’t see it.

  13. The things that go on in that chat room. Great list!

  14. ‘hair like strands of yarn. I’m picturing Ragged Anne and Andy here.’


  15. Rosalind Stone

    Oh Diva chat – I never knew what I was missing until now…

    Re your T13: I’m definitely seconding Adelle. I’d love to see what the rest of these novels look like. To me, for some reason, the turnip book, seems like it’d have a good story (not that I know any of these novels you’ve noted above – I’m going out on a limb here because, well, it mentions turnips…)

    • cmtorrens

      You must have missed it. And NO, you do NOT want to read it. It was a free read btw. I’m not mentioning it by name on purpose. I don’t want to get in trouble, let alone encourage people to download crap as it will only make the author think she had a story worth reading.

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