Thirteen Favorite Mini Stories and lines from my life. These are all true. I enjoy these memories, I’m pretty sure you will too.
1) “Mom, don’t ever get that toilet paper again,” DS said.
“Why,” I asked. “What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s like wiping your ass with a dryer sheet.”
2) 4 year old DBro is playing ball for the first time with our dad. He hits the ball.
“Run home! Run home!” Dad says.
DBro begins to cry. “But Dad, I don’t wanna go home.”
3) DSis, 10 years old is incredibly gullible. Big Sister decides to play a prank and covers her hands in Elmer’s glue. When the glue dries, Big Sister sits down at the desk in the room the both share and waits for unsuspecting DSis to appear. When she does, Big Sister begins to peel away her “skin”.
“We’re alien’s you know,” Big Sister says.
“Nu-uh,” DSis said, staring in awe as Big Sister peels her “skin” away.
“Yes, we are. Mom doesn’t want to tell you, she say’s your too young. When you get to be my age, your skin will peel too, and soon, you’ll have scales. One of these days, maybe dad will fix the spaceship and we can go home.”
“No, I’m not. You wanna help me with some of this skin, it’s really itchy.”
“I’m gonna ask mom.”
Big Sister shrugs. “Go ahead. I doubt she’ll tell you though. We have to keep it a secret from the neighbors and you have a big mouth.”
“I don’t want to be an alien.”
“Too bad, you can’t help what you are. What we all are.”
*cough* Clearly I’ve been telling stories for many-many years now.
3) Big Sister: What color is the lone rangers white horse?
DSis: Uh…white I think.
Big Sister: Are you sure?
DSis: No, I never watched that show much.
*sigh* She’s much too easy to mess with.
4) Big Sister: I heard the caught the abominable snowman just outside Mesa, AZ.
DSis: Are you serious?
Big Sister: Sure.
DSis: What happen to it? Did they kill it?
Big Sister: Well, it is summer. He melted before they could get a good look at him.
DSis: I hate you.
5) Big Sister: You know, people like you really shouldn’t get high.
DSis: What do you mean, people like me?
Big Sister: *see above*
6) DSis: You must think I’m as bad as your mother-in-law and will believe anything.
Big Sister: Oh no, Sis. I have much more respect for you than to ever compare you to my MIL. She’s ignorant, you’re just gullible.
7) Yes, I can make fun of myself too.
A man come up holding a cane: Can you show me to bus 72?
Big Sister points: Sure, it’s just across the street. Right over there.
DSis whispers: He’s holding a cane.
Big Sister: So?
DSis: We’ll take you to the bus.
Big Sister: What? I thought we were meeting–
DSis: The CANE.
Big Sister takes a better look at the cane, white with a bright red stripe. Yes, even I have my dense moments.
8 ) DSis: You know, some words just sound funny.
Big Sister: You think?
DSis: Think about it. Mop. Now that is a funny word. Who decided that mop should even be a word. Mop-mop-mop-mop-mop.
Big Sister: Seriously Sis, people like you should not get high.
9) Rogue is our bird dog. She very much enjoys birds. My DD decides she want as cute blue parakeet. So we get it for her. One week later I hear a squeaking noise on the stairs and go to investigate.
Me: Wow, who bought the cute blue toy for Rogue.
DD: OMG! MOM, that’s my BIRD!
Oops, I guess a bird was a bad idea.
10) DS: What are we having for dinner?
DH: I thought we were having Thumper.
DS: Well, as long as it’s not Flower, I’m good with it.
11) DH: Honey, you should really quit smoking. You could get cancer.
Absent-minded Me: Cancer doesn’t really run in my family.
DD: Don’t worry Dad, Mom will have Alzheimer’s waaay before she dies of cancer.
*sigh* She’s lucky I have a good sense of humor.
12) My dad, Donald, is driving, blows a stop sign, and thumps a little car with the right-of-way. It’s not serious but the battery shifts and something in wrong with the hood so he can’t get under the hood. He calls my mom. She asks where he is. His accident happened on the corner of Donald and Bop street.
He never lived that one down.
13) Baby Sister: I was born in Las Vegas?
Big Sister: Yep.
Baby Sister: What was it like?
Big Sister: I was only 13. Let me think…. Hmm, warm. Great weather if I recall. November’s the perfect time of year for Vegas. Dad took us to Circus-Circus while Mom had you.
Baby Sister stares at Dad: You never take me anywhere!
Ahh, family, you gotta love them. I hope you enjoyed this week’s thirteen. If nothing else, you now see why I am so strange. With family like this, it was bound to happen.